Forgiven

Two days ago I finally did it. I forgave myself. My gut told me not to get AJ's vaccinations. I relented under the pressure of all the "experts" and all the other people in my life who love my son and wanted the best to keep him healthy. They truly believed it medically important and I had only a gut feeling it was not. I remember how I was treated at the hospital the day my son was born and I refused to allow the first vaccine. The nurse told me about all the terrible effects of Hepatitis and how without the vaccine I was needlessly exposing AJ to danger. We talked about the fact that hep. spreads primarily from sharing dirty needles and having unprotected promiscuous sex. I felt as a new born he was at very low risk for those issues and the vaccine could wait. She reacted like I was a crazy person putting him at risk. I didn't know enough then to know why I felt that way. I hadn't done any research into vaccines, I just went with my gut. Eventually I buried my feelings, I never did my own research, and I allowed the vaccines that delivered the toxins pushing him over the edge into his autistic spectrum disorder. I blamed myself for not following my instincts, for not doing the research, for letting it happen. I knew that if I was stronger my son and my family would not be going through this now. I can't change any of my past decisions. I forgave myself, I cried, and I am moving forward open and engaged.